


Loving Vincent

by adiosnonino (chanporado)



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad Ending, Swearing, my beta yelled at me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 08:35:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13947837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanporado/pseuds/adiosnonino
Summary: “Congrats, nerd, see you in seniors. Don’t try to out-quad me.”“Not a chance quad king.”





	Loving Vincent

In a fair world, he wouldn’t be disappointed, nothing would break his heart, it would be like a beautiful fantasy Vincent often wrote about; the reality he’d rather live in.

But the kiss felt like a goodbye. It was lacking its usual warmth that often spread throughout his body, it was unfamiliar, strange even--gone was the usual fireworks and loud ringing in his ears. It was like an obligatory goodbye kiss. Everything that he knew, from the nightly skype calls to the brief visits that often came along with training to their random bickerings over which Vine was more appropriate for the situation, it was gone.

* * *

 

Loving Vincent was like looking at the sun. The glare is harsh and unforgiving, so much it hurt his eyes. It also held a strange kind of beauty and thrill he craved. It was certainly something.

It warmed him, the kind that would slip through the cracks. It filled him up with happiness. Landing quads was one thing. Being able to spend even just a few minutes with him was another. In both ways, there is no Nathan Chen, the hope and savior of American figure skating. He was just Nathan, the ordinary boy from Utah who liked to look at memes, cheer for his favorite basketball teams, and like pictures of sneakers on Instagram.

Nathan also loved Vincent, the boy who carried the sun with him. He shone in ways that he didn’t know was possible. He would always be the brightest of them all. No cloud can completely cover his brilliance. Vincent always shone, just like the sun’s steady light.

His mother warned him not to be under the sun for too long. Everyone and their grandmothers said that looking directly at the sun would damage your eyes. If it really did, then how come he is not blind yet from looking at him?

But it hurt. His world became colder as the sun moved further away. It was enveloped in darkness. He was lost, groping around to try to get ahold of something. He felt like he fell in a void and was desperately trying to get out. Oh what would he do to get even a little bit of warmth back?

He wanted his sun back. He wanted Vincent back. Not this carefully cultivated image of a perfect Asian-American son who excelled both academically and athletically. Everytime he looked at him, all he could see was dead eyes and a trained smile. Nothing like the Vincent he knew, the one whose face would scrunch when he grinned so widely. The one who cried for joy when he realized he made it.

He doesn’t know the one beside him on the podium. He doesn’t even know who is Vincent really anymore. Has he been blinded by the beauty he failed to realize it was moving away? Has he failed to realize their shortcomings, his own arrogance and Vincent’s stubbornness? Was the push and pull so much it put a strain on them?

He shouldn’t have looked at the fucking sun then if he had known that all he’ll get was pain, “I spent too much time with Vincent,” he grumbled, setting up for the quad lutz.

_“I did it! I landed the most difficult jump in the field!”_

He snapped out of focus as he took off for a flutz instead. The takeoff was wrong and he knew there was no way he’ll manage to save it. His whole body went numb, absorbing the full force of the impact as he went down on the ice. Nathan lay there for a few seconds, staring at the ceiling. He resisted the urge to sob but a few tears betrayed him.

 

_“Congrats, nerd, see you in seniors. Don’t try to out-quad me.”_

 

_“Not a chance quad king.”_

 

“Oh my goodness Nathan what happened?!” Adam was shocked to see his younger teammate turn up in the doorstep. Nathan only mumbled a small “Thanks for letting me come” as he made his way to the living room. The older one looked at him worriedly while he lay down on the couch. “I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” He absentmindedly nodded as Adam left the room.

Adam sensed that there was something wrong with him. He has never seen him this troubled. Either practice was rough on him today or it was something personal.

The later part was correct when Nathan opened his mouth to talk “I think he wants me to stop loving him but I can’t,” Adam’s face softened, gently wrapping him with one arm “Go on boy, I’m here to listen,”

“Vincent,” he began, his voice close to cracking “he was my first love. I was so ecstatic when we got together he told me to shut up before I embarrass myself.” A sad smile made its way on his face. He clearly remembers the day. He had on a goofy smile throughout the rest of the Junior Grand Prix Finals. He was truly so over the moon they actually asked if it was painkillers. “It was in Barcelona and I just won gold. Nothing really compared to how Vincent shone.”

 

A star was born in Palo Alto. It was just a mere nebula but it was already bright. As the cloud of dust begins to condense, it would start spinning faster and faster until it becomes a whole new star. For some reason, Nathan is convinced that Vincent is really out of this world. He is probably made of stardust and was handcrafted by the Creator himself. Maybe that’s what set him apart. The sun maybe an ordinary medium-sized star but to him, it might as well be the brightest star of them all “Its funny. In middle school, I called Icarus stupid for flying too close to the sun and said he deserved it. Guess who got played.”

“Oh Nathan,” he spoke, hugging him tighter “you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.”

The dam broke, all the emotions he was holding these past few weeks flooding out of him. He was frustrated, he was tired, and he was done fighting for them. Vincent wasn’t even answering his calls let alone leave his messages on read. The tears soon ceased, the heavy feeling becoming lighter. Nathan blinked a few remaining tears and looked at the spot he cried on. “Oh shit man I’m sorry about your shirt,” he apologized.

Adam shrugged it off good-naturedly as he stood up “I’m getting you something to drink. Food?”

He snorted, shaking his head “Crying is more exhausting than doing a quad”

* * *

 “Nathan? You said you wanted to talk.”

Nathan jumped in surprise. It was right after the short program and he was waiting in the backstage. He nodded and fiddled with his thumbs as they walked towards the a secluded area where no one will bother them. Millions of questions ran through his head; who would crack first? Who would start apologizing for the mistake both of them did? Will Vincent admit that he was never in love with him? That’s highly unlikely since there was a side of Vincent that only he knew.

Unless he already showed it to someone else and he didn’t know.

“Vincent-”

“I can’t do this anymore, Nathan,” Vincent cut him off. His words were like cold water suddenly being doused on him. His throat tightened as he saw Vincent hung his head “I tried, Nathan, I even talked to Vivian about it but I can’t. I can’t anymore.”

He wanted to be angry. He wanted to demand what made him say so. But all that came out of his mouth was, “It’s okay, Vincent, I appreciate your efforts.”

He never noticed he was already crying because he felt a warm hand wipe away his tears. Even though his vision was blurry, somehow the light overhead made Vincent look like an angel.

Stupid fucking suns. They carry the light everywhere they go.

“Nathan, I’m sorry, I really tried, I-I…” his voice wobbled, trying to find his worlds “Vince?”

“I loved you Nathan, I’m sorry,”

 _I loved you._  He loved him. Loved. The past tense of love. His worst fear was confirmed. It was gone. “You will always be my favorite poetry, Nathan,” he whispered before walking away.

As he watched Vincent’s retreating form, a void was formed. Specifically, a Vincent-shaped one. When Vincent disappeared from the view, he fell on his knees and sobbed.

**Author's Note:**

> in the light of recent happenings, vincent pulled a kind of a dick move and i was distraught while finishing this fic. as much as i loved writing about this ship, i'm afraid i cannot continue posting anymore content. in the lighter side of things, i was writing this while at the spiritual retreat and it was an experience.
> 
> also finally my beta came back from war and really yelled at me in Messenger (sorry ily)
> 
> feedbacks water authors' dry crops you know


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